Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Can I close my mouth now please?

We all love something free.  What is almost as good as something free?  A really good voucher, that is what!  I have recently started looking at Internet sites that offer special deals for your capital city.  I actually think I am a little addicted.  I first started with the intention of finding cheaper options for my family to 'discover' Western Australia.  There are some fantastic deals out there, (if you do not read the fine print), admittedly, I am a victim for anything that boasts 50 to 98% off. (Apart from the wearable demtel blanket, I do not know how this was ever marketable, it's a blanket!  Isn't it?  Did I miss a hidden heater, personal trainer or free steak knives in the offer?)

So far we (I) have bought a 2 month gym pass, one month of boot camp sessions, canvas prints, a weekend in Margaret River, a weekend at an eco resort, a photography course, teeth whitening and 3 Swedish massages, an Indian massage and a reflexology foot treatment, kids socks and men's underpants.  Do you know what I have redeemed so far?  One thing.  The canvases.  And only because I could do it over the Internet with out getting off the couch.  I've obviously been very busy?

Anyway... with the children just about to start 2 days of care each week, it was time to redeem some of our good fortune and start making some bookings, now that time will be available.  Priorities.  Massage first please.  My last massage was 3 years ago, so needless to say, I've been thinking about this one for a while.  But alas, apparently the company will not honour the massages, "they were all a mistake and were not supposed to be offered, it was supposed to be a men's head massage", (I can see how this may be confused with 4 massages and a foot treatment, practically the same really).  If I contact 'Sharon', I can organise a refund.  So starting 2 weeks ago, I established a great relationship with Sharon's message bank service, and I speak to her most days.  Do not think she views our relationship with the same enthusiasm as she is yet to return my calls.  And I have a funny feeling that if or when she does contact me with my refund, she may also give me a little restraining order for stalking her.

Time to try another voucher.  This time teeth whitening.  I did not quite know what to expect.  I presumed they would rub something on my teeth, and "abracadabra", I look like Taylor from The Bold and The Beautiful.  (Yes in my mind, my beautician did appear magically with a pointed hat and a sparkly wand in her hand.) Not quite.  This was the third most traumatic experience of my life.  It closely followed my first child birth, and a Brazilian wax given to me by an apprentice.Two experiences I do not want to repeat.

Imagine if you will, 'Clockwork Orange' the movie.  If you have seen this then it may be easier to visualise my discomfort.   Do you know the scene where they keep the mans eyes open and he can not close them? This is what they did to my mouth.  I am always being told to shut my mouth, surely I knew this was going to be difficult?  I ALWAYS want to do what I am told not to do. I am placed in a chair about a metre away from a mirror and told to rub my teeth clean with a wipe then place protective gel on my lips and gums.  I look at the girl next to me, only to notice that she has a waterfall of saliva pouring from her mouth and running down her bibbed chest.  'Ewwww', is my first thought.  Second thought is, 'Good Lord, have they given her an electric shock, how does she not notice this happening?' She is just sitting happily reading a magazine.  Mind you, I am presuming she is happy because her mouth is stretched with a mouth guard to look like one of those clown games at the exhibition that you pop a ping pong ball into.  Clowns are always happy!

Anyway... back to me.  I clean my teeth, pop in the mouth guard, put on my gel, then wipe my teeth with the magic pen.  Not so bad.  I am told I do two 15 minute blocks, than three 10 minute blocks, applying more whitener in between.  Sounds easy enough.  Apart from the fact that once I apply my goggles, and the light is up against my mouth, the timer begins.  Do you know how I know the timer begins? Because I am looking cross eyed at a timer that is counting down at the tip of my nose.  Horrible.  I've been told not to take the light off my teeth and I feel as though I have been strapped with C4 explosives to my mouth and asked to watch the timer countdown to my demise.  To make matters worse, an extra loud beep, (but I hear siren) occurs on every minute.  Have you ever held something heavy that you can not put down, then all of a sudden, out of the blue, there is an itch, it is unbearable, it is on the tip of your nose, and you have no available limbs to scratch it.  Absolute torture.  Only I did not have an itch.  I had the urgent need to close my mouth.  Why?  No idea.  Probably because I was not allowed to?  But I can't.  Not allowed.  Do I ruin the experience of my first bought voucher.  What if it turns me off and I never voucher shop again?  I must be strong, after all, I only have 56 minutes to go.  Welcome anxiety, are you here to stay while we count down together.

Bombshell, my hand is wet... why is my hand wet?  I look at the mirror in front of me to see Niagara Falls spilling over my bottom lip.  Now I am looking worse than my drooling bulldog neighbour, I panic and grab for the tissue box next to me.  After wiping my lip, all I do is create a cob web of saliva that I seem to be passing from hand to hand to bib to chin to hand to chin to bib, then back again, you get the point.  I have never done this before, but I am officially juggling my own drool.  (Another tick off my bucket list perhaps?)  Awesome. Beep, beep, beep, beep.  First 15 minutes is complete.  Well would you look at that, juggling your own drool is a great time kill; although probably something you should not proudly perform in public.

Believe it or not, I did last the full hour with out removing my mouth guard, without closing my mouth, without using a full box of tissues, and without managing to get a single tissue into the bin next to me.  I did it.  I honestly feel as though I have accomplished something important.  By this I am referring to redeeming my first voucher, NOT by having my teeth whitened. 

Why you do these things to yourself I am not so sure.  Is it pure vanity or a need for extra self confidence? I am told that there is no consumption of drinks that could stain your teeth for 24 hours, such as coffee, red wine, or red juices.  Red juices?  Seriously?  I just purchased a bottle of V8 Strawberry, Banana and Raspberry smoothie from the Cafe next door because I needed to use the toilet.  Now I can not drink it?  Was this experience worth the 2 weeks of a white smile?  Perhaps for the experience.  But someone flick my ear lobe if I start talking about botox.  Unless I am over 40.  Then it is totally acceptable.  Right?

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