Thursday, November 17, 2011

Nice heels AND a trip to Bali

Flossing is good for you.  I flossed out a tooth.  Good for me?  Not really. I almost feel as though I have cursed myself.  My husband and I had just mentioned 24 hours prior that we should probably find a dentist.  (Personally, I took this as seriously as a request for a plumber or mechanic.)  I was not really expecting to have to hunt down a professional after an innocent conversation.  Remind me not to mention proctologist or gynaecologist anytime soon!

So now, by default of flossing too much, I have managed to floss out a tooth.  Why yes I have been working out, thank you for asking.  But apparently it had nothing to do with my muscle capacity and the force or frequency of my floss, and yes I did ask.

My new dentist is from Ukraine, she is 'youngish', and she was wearing a stunning pair of dark green pumps.  She was lovely.  And I am glad.  I have a feeling I will be purchasing a 9 night 10 day holiday in Bali for her; all inclusive meals, drinks, oh and extra motor sports water activity.  This will all come to her in the next 12 months.  So I am glad I like her, because it was quite a gift for a friend. She may even get a white t-shirt with a screen print of my face with animated speech bubble saying "I charge too much for dentistry and all I got was this lousy shirt". To all of my friends, please do not take offence of not receiving a holiday also, perhaps you should have chosen dentistry?  Presumably this holiday will all be possible for her after my 4 fillings are removed, and replaced, I have a good clean, oh and the five crowns?  Hmmmm.  Any chance the crown comes decorated with valuable gems?  I only have one head, what do I need 5 for?

So I presume that you now have an image of me going to bed every night with a big stick of fairy floss in hand and a bottle of 2L Coke Cola, or Pepsi, (no product placement intended, I am not sponsored). This does not happen. I was questioned by my dentist about an addiction to sugary drinks.  When I replied to my fizzy drink intake, "Oh dear, I drink a lot of mineral water" (her response appeared to be silence, then "does not count", followed by a look of 'are you sure you are not blond?')   I spoil myself with a can of 'energy drink' once a week, and that is my only downfall.  Surely this is not the culprit?

So now my new 'friend' informs me that there will only be a painful pinch during the procedure.  The nerve endings in that particular tooth are dead so I should not feel too much apart from that constant pinch.  "Constant pinch, constant pinch,  constant pinch, constant pinch, constant pinch"......  So can you guess what is going through my mind at this precise time?  Did I turn off the bathroom light?  No!  Surprisingly I am pondering on the constant pinch.  Yup.  Two children, 9 pound 11 and 9 pound  13, and no,  I am not a hippopotamus, but  a human female, that considers herself to be a superhero, who can sustain the pain of  'a constant pinch', BUT I do not appreciate dental work, blood tests, or a 'constant pinch'!  So since there are no nerve endings in that one particular tooth, let's not give any pain relief.  Oh hang on a second, I appear to be the only one laughing.  Not a joke?   Hhhhmmmmmm.  Bluntly, "so I know we have only just met, but will you do numbing gel at least?" I pleaded.  She then informs me that she personally hates the feeling of being numb, and has a high pain threshold, she apologises for presuming.  I accept her apology, tell her that I personally hate dentists, (request she does not take that personally), and tell her I have no problem with drooling when I talk for the next 2 hours, so numb away!  Her response, dentists aren't so bad I could be a proctologist.  So true, and if that was the case, I would probably still be asking her to numb it up!

It amazes me how easy it is to communicate with two hands in your mouth.  She also bruises easily, plays active sports, enjoys heating pork buns in the microwave as a quick snack, needs to practise her Ukrainian, and I am guessing that she has a new dental assistant.  How do I know this last fact? Because my mouth was sucked up 10 times with a mini motored mouth vacuum cleaner.  And the water spray in my mouth created a volcano spilling effect that resulted in her wiping me down like I'd just participated in a night of university $1 spirits concluding with a wet t-shirt competition, patting my face and surrounds down with her thick kleenex tissue.  I would not demand that much patting with a tissue again unless paying for a facial.  Pretty sure MBF did not cover this service.

Why do I think that the dental assistant was new?  Firstly is conduct; a patient probably does not want to hear you say... "It's not working is it?  Should I get you something else?  What do you need?  Because that is not working is it?" Ummm helllooooo!!!!!!  I am attached to this mouth, just because my eye's are closed, it does not mean I am asleep.  (Actually, I am pretty relaxed here with my feet up and no children around.)  Not quite a full body massage, but the 'numbing' has kicked in so it is a desperate version of 'me time'.

Also, in a dentistry office, how do you fill the silence?  My Ukrainian friend with the nice shoes left for an important phone call leaving me with her dental assistant.  15 seconds into an awkward silence.... "So how's your day?  You have two kids?  Any plans for the weekend?"   Hmmmm my apprentice friend, firstly, you may want to pause between proseccution questions because I pleaded for an overdose in pain relief about half an hour ago, so at the moment you do not want a response from me unless you don a rain coat.  Some how I managed "Day is bad, no plans, too many kids". Thank fully my bad mood is translated as, "Da is ba, na pla, ta ma ka!" Said with a mist spray.  Queue unqualified dental assistant, who nods and says "A ha", obviously the response they learn in dental college translated as, 'I have no idea what you just said'.
So long story short, (wishful thinking), in the last few weeks I have found a doctor my age, dentist my age and the lady that also runs my playgroup appears to be my age, oh and a physiotherapist, (in her spare time).  I am impressed with Perth and the young female dynamos, it is even a little encouraging.  Oh dear, is that motivation I feel in my belly.  Maybe this means I will start doing things soon?

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